The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout - Josh Billings

Nobody asked me, but this week I am going to tell you everything you never wanted to know about gout but were too disinterested to ask. First of all, there is nothing at all funny about gout. Gout is NOT a laughing matter (in fact, laughing makes it hurt more). One would have to be crazy to think one could write a humour column about gout.  

Gout is extremely painful. How painful you ask? On a scale of 1 to 10, gout measures a score that is about the same as the temperature in degrees Celsius on the surface of the sun --- 5739 --- (which is coincidentally how hot gout feels in your body). 

What is gout? I won’t bore you with all the gory details. Suffice it to say that gout is an inflammation caused by uric acid precipitating out of the bloodstream and forming crystals in the working part of the joint or outer extremity. The effect is similar to having numerous broken glass shards injected into your big toe joint (or your elbow or your earlobe).

Henry the Eighth had gout. He was the fat English king who is usually portrayed in paintings clutching a greasy leg of mutton in one hand and a flagon of port in the other. He had six wives, most of whom he had beheaded supposedly because they could not bear him male heirs. As it turns out, he did not have any heirs because the last thing you want to think about when you have a gout attack is sex. (It’s no coincidence you’ve never heard of a Henry the Ninth). As a matter of fact, the reason he kept having his wives executed was because they kept stepping on his inflamed toe. 

Gout is supposedly linked to high intelligence. Some of the greatest thinkers in all of history were afflicted with gout. Among these were Thomas Jefferson, Samuel Johnson, John Milton, Isaac Newton, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Benjamin Franklin, Charles Darwin, Galileo, Pablo Neruda, and even Nostradamus. The first thing you will probably notice about all these famous people is that they’re all dead. Gout can do that to you. (I’m not too convinced about this link with intelligence, but I would gladly give up my seven remaining functioning brain cells for seven less minutes of pain in my big toe).

Gout is also affectionately called “the disease of kings”. Besides the aforementioned Hank the 8th, Kublai Khan, Charlemagne, Charles V, and George IV also suffered from gouty feet (and by the way, “gouty” is a word in the Official Scrabble Dictionary, as are “goutier” and “goutiest”). Of these kings, only Kublai could be considered one of the great rulers. He was the one who welcomed Marco Polo to the Far East and helped open up the “Silk Road” for trade between Europe and Asia. At one time, this Mongol emperor ruled over one fifth of the world’s inhabited land area. He would probably have conquered the remaining four fifths if his feet weren’t so damn sore. 

When friends and acquaintances first notice you limping along with a painful grimace on your face, or hobbling tentatively on trembling crutches, they often ask you how you have injured yourself. If you are honest and say that you have gout, you are sure to get that “blank stare”. It would be much better to do a little freestyle embellishing and say that you were hurt when you accidentally stepped between a herd of marauding rabbits and a pack of rabid cougars. Even admitting to having a case of severe leprosy would prove more believable and socially acceptable than gout. 

There is a reason for this. You see, anyone who is actually familiar with this disease automatically associates it with a lifestyle of gluttony, lechery and debauchery. By admitting to having gout, you might as well be announcing that your social graces are somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun (or possibly even up there with the Rolling Stones). 

Eventually, people will accept the fact that you do indeed have gout and that you do not pose an immediate danger to themselves or their loved ones. That’s when they suddenly remember that someone in their family also had gout. Almost certainly it was the black sheep of the family. Maybe it was an uncle or a grandfather (or an uncle’s grandfather or a grandfather’s uncle).  It’s quite amazing how almost everyone remembers somebody from their youth who came to family events with a bad limp and a miserable scowl on his face. 

The next thing that will occur is that everyone will tell you a sure-fire, can’t miss, never-fail cure or treatment for this cursed affliction that will guarantee you never feel gout pain again. Usually this concerns diet. 

Now, it’s a well-known fact that diet and gout are intricately linked. The uric acid that triggers attacks is a byproduct of the metabolism of purines. Purines are found in elevated concentrations in organ meat, red meat, shellfish, and other foods that are high in protein, such as legumes (which include the beans, peas and peanuts family). Alcohol, although not technically high in purines, does act as a catalyst to help the uric acid crystallize in the joints. Although these foods are the worst ones to consume, you will find that most other foods should also be avoided. As a general rule of thumb, the basic idea is to avoid anything that tastes good. 

The one exception is cherries. Everybody loves cherries, right? Well, this fruit, especially the sour variety, is touted to be the miracle cure for gout. In fact, a diet consisting of forty litres of sour cherry juice a day will make you forget you ever had gout in the first place. You won’t be able to feel any pain in your feet because your brain will be too frantic making sure your legs get you to the loo in time. 

So next time you see me struggling on crutches, you won’t have to ask the obvious. Just buy me a cherry smoothie and get out of the way. 

Initially published August 19, 2009 in Gulf Islands Driftwood, Salt Spring Island, BC, Canada.

Shilo Zylbergold lives on a small island somewhere in the southwest corner of British Columbia, Canada. He grows vegetables, teaches math, and is a columnist for a local paper. Send complaints to [email protected]